Chimpomatic

Mapplethorpe

Cookie cutter biography that could literally have been written from his Wikipedia page.

#JustWatched
#Film
#CSF

7th Mar 2020

Modern Life is Rubbish

Continually clichéd rock romance that never breaks into originality.

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#CSF

13th Oct 2018

The Snowman

Huge misfire from Tomas Alfredson, with a multitude of bizarre choices. Like a bad 80's VHS rental.

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#CSF

6th Jul 2018

Passengers

Woefully inept, on-the-nose sci-fi romance. A reasonable concept executed in the worst way possible.

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#CSF

10th Sep 2017

Bad Moms

B-list, mis-cast, low-ball girl gang comedy. Weak.

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#CSF

19th Jun 2017

Absolutely Fabulous

Effortless retread of a show that survived well past it's sell-by date.

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#CSF

29th May 2017

Suicide Squad

Codswallop that's as indecipherable as every other recent DC movie. Terrible script, hammy acting.

#JustWatched
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#CSF

22nd May 2017

Monsters Dark Continent

Money grabbing sequel that ups production value and bypasses the charm of the original.

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#Film
#CSF

9th Jun 2016

San Andreas

Even The Rock can't avert this disaster. Earthquakes have never involved such little jeopardy.

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#CSF

21st Mar 2016

Get Hard

Paper thin movie from Will Ferrell on autopilot. On the wrong side of borderline offensive.

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#CSF

15th Jan 2016

Attack of the Clones

Brutally incompetent, all-Easter-egg sequel that only makes the @StarWars universe smaller.

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#Film
#CSF

29th Aug 2015

Lucy

Nonsensical, badly cast Euro-Actioner, from a director long past his brief prime.

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#CSF

12th Jun 2015

Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World

Mind-numbingly slight dramedy, with a vintage turn from Keira Knightley.

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#Film
#CSF

18th Jan 2015

Brokedown Palace

Poorly directed 90s teen version of Midnight Run. Tension free and utterly forgettable.

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#CSF

25th Oct 2014

Only God Forgives

Hilariously superficial art house twoddle. 'Style' turned up to 11, content down to zero.

#JustWatched
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#CSF

17th Nov 2013

The Lone Ranger

A bloated, wasted opportunity of a western, played for Jack Sparrow-esque gags at every turn.

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#CSF

10th Jul 2013

Jimmy P (Psycho therapy of a Plains Indian)

Amateur direction and abysmal acting sink this painfully slow turkey.

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#CSF

18th May 2013

Contraband

Effortless smuggling thriller with Marky Mark on auto-pilot. Not \#TheOtherGuys.

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#CSF

8th Feb 2013

The Sitter

Lame attempt to modernise the brat pack movies of the 80s. Light on LOLs.

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#CSF

29th Dec 2012

Total Recall

Total forget.

#Screened
#Film
#chimp71

23rd Dec 2012

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Tepid dud, sacrificing tension for coincidence and cheap laughs via Simon Pegg.

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#CSF

21st Dec 2012

One Day

Trite, superficial Harry Met Sally update, with laughable beards.

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#CSF

14th Sep 2012

Killer Joe

Ugly, over-hyped exploitation movie from a past his best director that plays out like a 90s video nasty.

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#CSF

10th Jul 2012

Arthur

Staggeringly unambitious reboot of an over-rated 'classic'.

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#Film
#CSF

11th Jun 2012

A Little Bit of Heaven

Weepy chick flick that plays like an animated @Pinterest page. Alan Dale plays a doctor.

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#CSF

4th May 2012

The Change Up

Gosling and Bateman swap lives. Everybody learns something.

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#CSF

2nd Apr 2012

The Ghost

Clumsy, inefficient thriller. Was going to say wannabee-Polanski, then I noticed Polanski directed it.

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#Film
#CSF

1st Feb 2012

The Green Hornet

Dull big screen outing for a second rate superhero - wasting considerable talent and money.

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#CSF

7th Jan 2012

A Christmas Carol

Another lifeless motion capture animation from a flagging Robert Zemeckis.

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#CSF

9th Dec 2011

Skyline

Inept, D-list (Milo from 24) sci-fi, playing out unexplained global alien invasion as sexy-teen horror.

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#CSF

15th Oct 2011

Eat Pray Love

Tedious, expensive, offensive plod through world cliches, with a self-absorbed Julia Roberts.

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#CSF

10th Sep 2011

Monster-in-Law

Romcom by numbers with J-Lo. See 'Maid in Manhatten' for details.

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#CSF

14th Aug 2011

Knight and Day

Big, expensive, contrived, noisy action comedy - that's light on comedy. Sub par from James Mangold.

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#CSF

17th Jul 2011

Iron Man 2

Stupid, lazy, rushed, shapeless, underdeveloped sequel - sacrificing style for pure volume.

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#CSF

26th May 2011

Robin Hood

$155m of utterly shapeless shambles as an occasionally scouse Robin plods through a revisionist Sherwood

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#CSF

26th Mar 2011

Did You Hear About The Morgans?

Staggeringly unambitious, dream-team rom-com.

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#CSF

16th Jan 2011

The Book of Eli

Derivative, post-apocalyptic drivel. Denzel and Gary Oldman should know better.

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#CSF

15th Jan 2011

The Punisher: War Zone

One of the thinnest plots I've ever seen. Like Neighbours does superheroes.

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#CSF

20th Jun 2010

Transformers 2

All the confusion and chaos of Transformers 1, but amped up to 11 and still stretched out to 150m.

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#CSF

1st Apr 2010

Armored

Security guards stage a heist. Nimrod Antal directs. Don't hold your breath for Predators to be any good.

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#CSF

1st Apr 2010

Confessions of a Shopaholic

Unadventurous rom-com, with no surprises.

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#CSF

22nd Feb 2010

Post Grad

I was on a plane and it was on. Empty first-job rom-com with odd casting including Burton's Batman.

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#CSF

18th Feb 2010

A Serious Man

Ethan and Joel Coen

A Serious Man? A seriously boring film.

#Film
#chimp71

30th Dec 2009 - Add Comment - Tweet

You Don't Mess With The Zohan

Mass stupidity with the occasional chuckle.

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#CSF

5th Dec 2009

Pens

Hey Friend What Are You Doing?

De Stijl

Pens are three girls from London, channeling lo-fi riffs through the usual mix of irony and nostalgia, even going so far as to re-create the awfulness of 80's VHS video on the promo for single High In The Cinema. Opener Horsies sets the scene, with layered vocals leading into a some furious drumming - which turns out to be the one trick of this pony, as witnessed on 1-2, Networking and more. There are some nice ideas and moments in here, but they tend to be just that - moments.

The majority of reference points that spring to mind all to easily here come from the past two years worth of DIY noise pop that has enjoyed something of a phenomena in terms of excitement. However all these bands have a pop hook around which to structure much of their abrasion. Whether using the surf rock template of Wavves, or the rockabilly charm of Sic Alps there was a hook buried somewhere and the thrill was digging for it and finding it. Times New Viking piled up all kinds of sonic rubble, but the reason you came back for another pummelling was the hook. Even Eat Skull's Sick To Death had me asking for more after receiving apparently so little, but Hey Friend What You Doing? fails to do this most basic of things on nearly every level.

Sure, they might be fun live - but if I want to see people jumping around there are already many outlets to fulfil that need. At the end of the day, music needs to work on many different levels. Much to be said for just getting on with things and doing it - as it's easy for me to sit here and slag this off, but with so little to actually engage the listener and barely a drip of originality of craftsmanship it's hard to do anything else.

The whole reality-TV induced message of 'anyone can do it' has a lot to answer for. Enthusiasm, wacky clothes and some toy instruments just aren't enough - bands need to start taking their time, getting things right and then releasing them. This casual effort has marked their card and Pens are one band who will certainly struggle to catch my attention again.

#Music
#NM

25th Sep 2009 - Add Comment - Tweet

Over Her Dead Body

Even the excellent Paul Rudd can't save this turkey.

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13th Sep 2009

Shoot 'Em Up

(dir. Michael Davis)

New Line

The clue is in the title here, in fact most of the script is even in the title. Lone gunman Clive Owen attempts to save a baby from a well-armed arms dealer, as a series of set-pieces run one after another - seemingly contrived around the simplest of premises. Scene 2: gun drops in toilet before hand dryer heats bullets just in time to shoot bad guy. Scene 14: bad guys interrupt Clive getting jiggy, so he keeps at it by multi-tasking. Monica Belluci also stars - dressed down as a lactating wet-nurse hooker. Don't ask.

The plot is thinner than a video game and the action even more pointless. Characters can be a crack shot one minute then run through a hail of bullets unscathed the next. With Paul Giametti hamming it up more than Groucho Marx, and Clive Owen doing little to overcome his one-dimensional reputation, the action is all that's left to sell this film and unfortunately that's not exactly deftly handled.

While John Woo or Xiang Zimou might use too much balletic slow motion, there's at least some thought behind it all - where as this is just a blurry mess. Like a Van Damme movie without 'plot' and Clive Owen in the driving seat, 'Michael' Owen could have done a better job saving this turkey.

Soundtracked like an installment of Guitar Hero, the likes of Wolfmother, Motorhead and Nirvana make up the never-ending stream of rock music (the baby loves it apparently), which attempts to smooth out the faux emotion and misogynistic, sexist, shocking, dull, cartoon violence.

#Film
#CSF

15th Jul 2009 - Add Comment - Tweet

Mr. Woodcock

(dir. Craig Gillespie)

New Line Cinema

After an over-weight childhood of bullying and lack-lustre sporting achievement, John Farley (Seann William Scott) has made a name for himself as a self-help author - thanks to his best-seller about "Letting Go". On returning to his hometown to pick up an achievement award, he discovers to his horror that his widowed mother (Susan Sarandon) is dating the sadistic gym teacher (Billy Bob Thornton) responsible for much of his childhood horror. Much hilarity ensues.

Billy Bob Thornton continues to water down the comedy highs of Bad Santa and Bad News Bears with this pedestrian comedy. Unfortunately this seems like it's made up of out-takes from the already lame School For Scoundrels remake, with Thornton's bullying gym teacher Mr Woodcock sharing the unflinching nasty streak of Dr. P, with a script that shows none of the sympathy of Bad Santa.

Seann William Scott has never showed any promise beyond his cameo as the donkey wrangler in Old School - and his performance here does nothing to upgrade his status. Susan Sarandon, you should know better.

At 87 minutes you'd expect things to whizz by, but with a plot this thin it drags and drags before finishing ungracefully and being immediately erased from my memory.

#Film
#CSF

16th Jun 2009 - Add Comment - Tweet

Red Red Meat

Bunny Gets Paid

Sub Pop

Being that I'm neither of a superstitious persuasion or a 9 year old boy I do not have a favourite number. If I was to do so however it would be 45. Being a history geek it resonates with 1945. It constitutes one half of the beautiful game. But really it is a happy conjunction of the fact that classic albums were moulded for the 45 minutes of space on vinyl and that 45 is the number of minutes it takes for me to walk home work. 45 minutes of blissful private head space and immersion music.
 
Working as a music reviewer can reap rich rewards and found gems have always rendered the before mentioned 45 minute walk a pleasure. Red Red Meat made it tortuous and tedious in equal measure. Bunny Gets Paid was the third of a trilogy of albums from the Chicago 'post grunge' band, first released in 1995. The omens are good as Sub Pop proclaims it as 'easily one of the high points of the entire Sub Pop catalog'. With stiff competition that is quite some accolade and prompted some excited anticipation.
 
To my mind it seems there's a perfectly adequate reason as to why Bunny Gets Paid failed to sell first time round. Because it's not that good. The necessary ingredients are all present, with fuzzy guitars and outsider ethos, but it fails to inspire. At the time it would have sounded much like everything else and sadly it stills does. There's no sense of kicking oneself and cursing 'damn how did I miss out on this first time round?'. By some accounts Red Red Meat have turned out to be quite influential but I doubt they will acquire Velvet Underground status as a band feted after the event. To be remembered as significant requires more credentials than that the band were present at the grunge banquet with the obligatory slacker attitudes and a penchant for flannel shirts.
 
Apparently what makes Bunny Gets Paid stand out is that the band decided to play around with form to create a more loose sound. They succeeded with this, whilst also jettisoning melody and coherence. It sounds like a sound check from when Beck had a devil haircut; a sound check at which he couldn't be arsed to boot. The mid nineties obsession with rejecting over-production means that there is almost no quality control. Main man Tim Rutili recalls of the record "when I bring in a song it's usually not that good until other people fuck around with it, and there was a lot of fucking around this time". Somebody should have pointed out that broths that are stirred by too many cooks get spoiled. Red Red Meat lyrics are oblique, something to normally be encouraged, but instead of prompting intrigue, reflection and personal interpretation just lead to bemusement and a shrug of the shoulders.
 
Die hard fans will be pleased to know that this release of Bunny Gets Paid is also accompanied by extras- B-sides and out-takes - but passing trade may find it all utterly tedious. I dare say a handful of listeners may love this cult offering but, much as it would pain my 1995 persona to have to hear me say so, I think Sub Pop is wrong. This is not a Sub Pop high point. 

#Music
#Muxloe

7th May 2009 - Add Comment - Tweet